Keep it Simple, Stupid
“You can be too smart to get clean, but you can’t be too stupid.”
Wise words from an anonymous person, and a quote I received when I brought up the link between intelligence and addiction with a mentor who’s played a role in my recovery.
“What’s your point?” the mentor asked, vexed and perplexed as I tried to rationalize my problems.
“Some of the smartest kids I knew in high school were all stoners.” I argued. As this left my lips, I immediately realized that one of those smart kids I knew is admittedly an alcoholic today, drinking whiskey neats the first thing in the morning. I then heard my mom’s voice ringing in my mind as I justified why smart kids get high: “They can’t be all that smart if they’re using drugs”.
But my mom has never done drugs. How would she know what it’s like to get high with a high IQ? My theory is that those with overactive minds aren’t ADHD, they’re easily bored and crave stimulation. Thus a drug like weed may help an over thinker slow down or speed up their thinking.
Smoking pot filled me up with a generous dose of anxiety, reminding me of everything I needed to accomplish for the day. That was until, of course, it hindered me from doing anything. Though I got by while getting high, able to work and work on some of my creative projects between puffs. But if I’m being honest, which is what recovery is all about, I have never been overtly proud of what I’ve created while under the influence.
It takes me half an hour to respond to an email when I’m stoned. God only knows how I was able to coordinate events, including two festivals, while chronically smoking weed. But that’s the thing, God only gives us what God knows we can handle. I find myself fortunate that I’ve been able to keep a job while in the depths of my disease. As I reflect on this work - that is, the work of which pays my bills - I see that I’ve been stuck in the restaurant industry.
There’s nothing wrong with waiting tables, and there’s been so much good that’s come from being in service to others. But where I am now and where I want to be are in conflict of one another. I aspire to be a writer, an actress, a director, a producer, a public speaker. If it takes me half an hour to respond to an email when I’m high, then what credence do I have to claim that I’m a writer if I’m too stoned to write anything?
Writing requires presence and clarity. Sure, the drugs have inspired ideas that influence my creativity. But an idea is only an idea without action. And when I’m high, I’m immobile. Lethargic. Half-assing my potential when God gifted me with so many blessings.
I’ve claimed me power when using drugs, accomplishing so much while the odds were against me. My gift of determination has enabled me to achieve my goals despite my resistance of sobriety.
However, I haven’t been aiming high enough. No pun intended. What I want is a career that demands my attention. That challenges my thinking and my talents. I want to work among the best creators in the world, who show up to do their work without expectations, all for the love of producing.
Drugs, alcohol, and mindless scrolling have no role in parts I want to play in the entertainment industry. I work to be clear and sober when I walk into my first writing room. A hangover or a foggy mind may strip away any opportunity that will come my way when I tell God: “I’m ready!”
I have hardly been preparing myself as I’ve spent my twenties partying. I’m thirty now, and I’m learning. Learning to trust that what’s meant for me will come my way and the best thing I can do for myself is to stay sober today.